I’ve always been very curious about my name. When I was 12, I asked my mother why my name is “Daniel”. She told me that I was named after one of my great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers. Or something like that. At the that time, I was satisfied with that response.
11 years later, I became curious as to what “Daniel” actually meant. I heard somewhere that it means “God’s judgment” or something. Which is kind of funny because…I’m not very good at judging OR punishing people in any way.
If someone ran up to me and said, “Daniel! God’s Judgment! This teen was caught stealing a Twix Bar! What shall we do with him?!” I would probably say, “Send this demonic child to the Infernos of Dante! Such a crime against humanity shall NOT be forgiven!” Then I’d eat the Twix Bar that he stole while he cried and protested as my guards took him away.
Still, I wasn’t quite satisfied with this explanation. So I decided to go to the most informative site I know regarding this matter…Urban Dictionary.
While scrolling through the definitions of “Daniel”, the first one I found was this:
”This is a difficult name to define because it defies many boundaries of human perception…One of the closest translations that experts give is God or many other variations of that general idea…It seems that [tao, chi, Chuck Norris, God] cannot even withstand the magnitude of Daniel…One common belief is that Daniel is possibly the grounds on which everything and nothing is based. It seems to surpass the idea of infinity.”
My first thought was…”Ok, I guess that’s kinda cool. What else do we have?” More scrolling led me here:
”Daniel is a fox. He doesn’t just look like a fox, he doesn’t just act like a fox, but he actually is a fox. Daniel may also be described by words including gorgeous, sexy, amazing, incredible and the best one.”
Of course, that one is inaccurate. Even if my name WASN’T Daniel, this would still be true about me. Plus, this definition leads one to believe that we’re talking about an actual fox. No one uses the word “fox” to describe someone sexy anymore! What is this, the ’70s?! So I moved on and read this:
”a guy you can always go to with any of your problems. he is sensitive and caring. he will try his hardest not to give up on you but sometimes he does. he’s a good guy with the best personality. even when your upset with him he can still put i smile on your face. his love is unconditional.”
Obviously, I didn’t give a shit about this STUPID definition. AND LOOK AT ALL THESE GRAMMAR MISTAKES! UNFORGIVABLE! I hope this writer gets punched while she sits in traffic on her way to work! And I sincerely hope that the puncher’s name is “Daniel”.
I was starting to lose hope, friends. These definitions just did not describe me. Then I began questioning myself…my personality…my beliefs…my love for beer…all of it.
Until…FINALLY…at the bottom of the page…I found it. The one definition of Daniel that spoke to me. It deeply resonated with my heart…and my soul.
”Guy who loves sports, drinking and irish punk rock, somehow manages to be appealing to every girl on the planet despite a chronic inability to seal the deal. Will end up being the PE teacher all the unpopular girls have a crush on. Curse his buffness.
(Friend) Hey is that Daniel over there?
(Other friend) Is he wearing a quiksilver t-shirt?
(Friend) No.
(Other friend) Then it’s not Daniel.”
“YES! THIS is the one!” I told myself. I read it over again and again. THIS is why I’m named “Daniel”! Friends, I can’t tell you how happy I am to finally understand myself. It was so enlightening that it almost brought me to tears. AND I didn’t have to travel to Europe to “find myself”! I can’t thank the author of this definition enough. My life makes so much sense now!
(FUN FACT: I own a Quiksilver T-shirt. And I will wear it every day from now on.)
