Platonic Cuddling: Does It Exist?
A question I used to contemplate when I was a young lad of 20. Is it possible for two friends to snuggle under the covers, watch a movie, have a discussion about Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, then leave the room like it was no big deal?
Yes, friends. Yes it is.
I know. Hard to believe, right? Of all people…ME?! Trust me, I was just as shocked as you are now. But it happened. And not by chance, either (which was a surprise to me). So if I can do it, you can too, dear friend!
With Winter just around the corner, now is a better time than ever to invest in your very own platonic cuddle buddy. There are many perks to platonic cuddling, such as:
1) Keeping warm during the cold, cold nights. Especially now! I don’t know about you, but it’s fucking FREEZING for me at night. And that’s coming from someone who usually never gets cold because of all the melanin in his body.
2) Your risks of getting STDs from this activity are relatively low! Unless you both cuddle naked. In which case, be safe and wear a condom. You never know what might happen with naked platonic cuddling.
3) You can split a pizza with this person! Yeah, you could technically do it with anyone, but it’s fun to cuddle with pizza. Believe.
Sure, it may seem difficult not to get emotionally attached to your partner here, but all you really have to tell yourself is…”Do I really want to spend money on this person for dates and stuff…or buy myself a snowboarding squirrel?”. If you answered “snowboarding squirrel”, then congratulations! I have the mental strength of someone who can participate in platonic cuddling.
“So how do I find a platonic cuddling buddy?”
I’m not going to lie to you, friends. It’s not as simple as some people think. Honestly, it’s kinda like trying to find a full-time job. Sure, you could advertise something like, “SEEKING POTENTIAL CUDDLE FRIEND! MUST LOVE LORD OF THE RINGS AND CORGIS!”…but your chance of success would be very low. Instead, try to go to the person directly and ask him/her how often they get cold at night. Because it’s almost Winter, the answer should tip in your favor. Your next question should pertain to how your person feels about sharing a pizza. The response should always be “I love it!” or “One pizza? Why not share TWO?!”. If your person answers with anything else, then move on to a different person. You’re just wasting time, at that point.
The final step is probably the hardest part. Once you’re good and ready, just straight up ask, “So, want to be cuddle buds or what?”. Be as playful as possible. Because if the person laughs and thinks you’re kidding, then you can laugh too and pretend you were joking the whole time! Obviously, it’s an easy cop-out to an awkward situation. BUT…if, by that 40% chance, your person says “yes”…then congratulations! You’ve earned your own personal heater without actually having to pay anything (other than the pizzas/tacos you will inevitably share, that is). The trickiest people to get are the ones who like cuddling with their pets already. Especially big dogs. People who own big dogs are the toughest. But don’t be discouraged. As Kevin Garnett once stated: Anything is possible.
To be honest, I’ve only had one platonic cuddling buddy. Lucky for me, she was a beautiful sight to behold. Oh yeah, we only cuddled once. But still! T’was a magical feeling, my friends. Mainly because my house was freezing like Hoth at the time. So there’s nothing like a little human body heat to warm you up. Especially if you didn’t want to pay the bill for using heat at the time.
All I’m saying is…it’s possible, alright? C’mon, if people can have fuck buddies, then it should be ten times easier to have a cuddle buddy. Right?
…Right?
